As we take this journey together in understanding pet loss and the grief process, it’s important that we understand some of the basics of these emotions. We’ll cover topics from the definitions of grief and mourning to why pet loss is considered a “disenfranchised grief” for many suffering the loss of a beloved pet.
Definitions
Grief is what we feel on the inside. It’s the intense feeling that sits within our heart, our stomach and our entire being that says we hurt from this loss. The loss can be death, divorce, a child moving away, illness, loss of a job or a variety of other things that represent someone no longer having something.
Mourning is what we show when we lose something. In other words, it’s grief gone public. It can look like crying, screaming, yelling, throwing things, or a variety of other physical actions that one might do to show their emotions.
One of the most important parts of a grief journey is to actively mourn. “He who mourns, mends.” A grieving heart needs to be active with their mourning, to show their grief through mourning, to physically do things to get to a point that the death and the loss has been reconciled into one’s life.
Companioning with a grieving heart is walking the grief journey with them. It’s not leading them, guiding them, or taking the journey for them. It’s merely being there as a companion to listen and to provide the permission that a grieving heart needs to do their active mourning.
As a companion, it’s incredibly important to “honor the story” with the grieving heart. To be patient with their broken heart so that they can actively mourn through the use of telling their story, telling about the life they shared with their beloved pet. Companions should provide that safe place that one needs to know that they can share their deepest emotions, their innermost thoughts, and to know that they will not be shamed nor made to feel “crazy” for the hurt they are experiencing with this loss.
The Death of a Pet and Disenfranchised Grief
When we lose a human family member, most people have a built-in support system. Or, if nothing else, people will most always empathize with the expression of loss of a human family member with “I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.” However, with sixty-two percent of our population having a pet, that means that 38% does not. Therefore, if a person’s entire support system is comprised of those that represent 38%, a person who’s experiencing grief over the death of a pet might not receive the empathy and support that would organically be expressed with the loss of a human family member.
Help for Sick and / or Dying Pets
Should you have a sick or dying pet, we can provide your pet some comfort with our energy healing known as Animal Reiki. Learn more here ~ Animal Reiki
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Part of the privilege of sharing our lives with pets (or fur kids) is the emotional bond we share with them. Even among these relationships, often there is one very special companion animal, whether a dog, cat, bird or even a reptile, who leaves an indelible mark on our lives.
When we are faced with the loss of any fur kid, much less a truly exceptional companion, we may be surprised to find ourselves suffering from agonizing grief. Some people worry over the intensity of their feeling, doubting their right to grieve so acutely. Rest assured, beloved furry, feathery or scaly companions ARE NOT ‘just animals’. This sentiment, shared by some who have chosen not to share their lives with pets, belittles your experience, so give it the credence it deserves … none.
Companion animals occupy special places in our hearts, and losing such a connection means that no one will ever fill that special place in quite the same way again.
Grieving the loss of a pet is normal, because the loss is real, and it hurts. Pets are family! If you are in the midst of bereavement, we want you to know three important things:
1. Grief is a natural and normal reaction to the loss of a friend, including those with paws, tails, fur, feathers, beaks, scales, hooves, etc.
2. Grief affects everyone differently, so however you choose to grieve, it isn't "the wrong way".
3. A multitude of web and print resources address this issue and may help you cope during this difficult time.
The most vital thing is to open yourself to grace and give yourself permission to react to loss, whatever feels most natural to you. People have unique grief experiences, which is to say, the individual members of a family may have varying reaction to the loss of the same companion animal. Normal reactions to grief include deep sadness, feelings of hopelessness, crying, denial, numbness and anger.
The many stages of grief are well-established, however be aware that the progression is not necessarily linear ~ i.e., they can occur before, during and after the loss of the beloved. Sadness can last quite some time, even many months, but with proper attention to yourself, you will recover. While the pain may recede with time, these feelings are a legacy, a reminder of the importance of the role they played in your lives.
Losing a companion animal is devastating. And yet, many pet parents don’t receive the kind of emotional support they might expect if they had lost a human family member. Failing to show such a depth of compassion is common for those who have never shared a special bond with a companion animal. These people might say to themselves, “What’s the big deal … it was just a pet.” What they don’t understand is a very simple truth … losing a companion animal is losing a member of your family.
Anytime we suffer a dramatic loss, it is appropriate to grieve. Your first priority should be to come to grips with the fact that it is perfectly acceptable to grieve the passing of your companion animal. Accepting the magnitude of your loss can facilitate the process of grieving. The more you fight to suppress your feelings, the worse your grief can become. Hiding the heartache will do you no good.
Grief takes many forms, whether it’s denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately, acceptance. While many tout the different characterizations of grief as if they were absolute stages, these steps should be interpreted more as a continuum of emotion. That is, some may not experience them and others may experience many simultaneously.
Some find the process of grief frustrating, as it is a process of reaction. We may ask ourselves, “What can I do to feel better?” Those who have experienced a recent loss should take some comfort in knowing that there are outlets for this impulse. There are several organizations that allow you to contribute funds in the memory of your companion animal. Many of these groups will publish an announcement of your gift along with a special message of tribute. In this way, you can create a legacy for your companion animal.
Additionally, you should be certain to actively take care of yourself physically. Because grief takes a toll on us physically, you should allow yourself extra time to sleep, be sure to exercise and eat well.
Don't be tempted to navigate your grief alone. If you feel like you don’t have the proper support to help process the loss of a companion animal, please seek out help from the following list of ‘pre-approved’ sources. Don’t arbitrarily assign time limits to your grief. The bottom line is ~ as with most emotional processes ~ it takes as long as it takes. Above all, know that you are not alone in your experience. Be sure to talk to other pet parents about your loss, but be sure to spend time sharing memories about the best times you spent with your companion animal, too.
If you’ve recently lost a constant and dear companion, we truly hope you’ll be able to deal effectively with your loss and find solace in the happy times you shared. And, don't be afraid to reach out for help from the trusted sources listed below.
Resources:
ASPCA Pet Loss Support Hotline
1-877-474-3310
http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss
University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine CARE Pet Loss Support Hotline
1-877-394-2273
Michigan State University College of Veterinary Medicine Pet Loss Support Hotline
517-432-2696
Cornell University Pet Loss Support Hotline
607-253-3932
Tufts University Pet Loss Support Hotline
508-839-7966
Pet loss support website:
http://www.petloss.com
Argus Institute Colorado State University
http://csu-cvmbs.colostate.edu/vth/diagnostic-and-support/argus/Pages/default.aspx
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